The Heart Can't Always Tell The Difference
by shimmerinstars
Summary: A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: Do You Believe In Miracles?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You Believe in Miracles?_

**Chapter I: Loss And Found**

Dean had been a demon and then he wasn't. Sam had cured his brother but the path to that endgame wasn't an easy one.

First Sam had to piece together what happened to Dean's body which seemed to have disappeared from the bunker without a trace and he worked at this night and day determined not to stop until he found his brother and brought him home.

After weeks of frustrating dead-end leads, wild goose chases, and strong arming a few shady characters Sam had his answer. One unbelievable, need to sit down answer, to what happened to Dean. The shocking truth that his brother was alive, a demon, and that he'd taken off willingly and without a word.

Exhausted and an emotional mess Sam began to search for Dean and it was at that time word about his brother's where abouts and activities started to filter back to him through the hunter's network. Dean had been spotted in a few cities near the Kansas border with a questionable bunch of characters which Sam felt most likely were demons.

This group was not hard to track with the seedy bars and pool halls they liked to frequent and by the pattern of messes they left behind. Which Sam learned, among other things with enough cash, had often involved violent acts not reported to law enforcement by establishment owners,either too frightened or because of their own questionable character.

It wasn't long before Sam caught up with them late one night and came face to face with the brother he believed died in his arms.


	2. Hope And Heartbreak

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You Believe In Miracles?_

o0o

**Chapter II: Hope And Heartbreak**

"Dean," Sam stared in disbelief at his brother alive and standing in front of him.

"Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!" Dean greeted him in a condescending tone. "I expected you sooner."

The familiar warmth Sam initially believed he saw in his brother's eyes was gone, leaving him to wonder if he'd imagined what he wanted to see.

Dean's eyes, which had always been a place for Sam to find comfort and answers and unconditional love, were now dark and empty.

"It might have helped Dean if you didn't walk out without saying a word to me," Sam treaded lightly, wary on what to expect.

"Why would I say anything to you?" Dean asked with an unnerving calmness. "You are not a part of my life anymore and the bunker is no longer my home."

So heartbroken in that moment Sam had planned to ask if they could talk just the two of them. But he found himself choking on emotion causing his first words to break, not able to get out the request.

"You don't mean that Dean," Sam collected himself. "That is the demon in you talking."

"I am the demon and I do mean it. This is my family," Dean gestured to the scattered group of men around him. "They are my brothers, not you."

Dean took a step closer and said, "You are _nothing_ to me!"

Sam couldn't talk. He could barely breathe. He just stood there and without protest let Dean pummel him verbally with a ruthlessness he'd never thought even a demon capable of.

But Dean knew Sam's heart and all the personal places to cut with his words and he didn't hold back.

Dean was putting on a show for his new family and mocking Sam and every aspect of their relationship and life together was the main attraction.

o0o

Dean didn't let up and seeing Sam visibly shaken from the emotional pain he could deal out only motivated Dean to keep going. It was then that he went after Sam's most vulnerable spot, the demon blood coursing through his veins.

"Hey guys," Dean motioned for his newly found family to move closer. "You know how us demons are always getting a bad rap, well I'd like to introduce you to a real freak of nature, Sam Winchester. The boy with the demon blood."

Dean locked onto Sam's gaze sadistically enjoying the pain this caused him and how hard he struggled not to show it. It was a challenge Dean felt, for him to slice deeper. "You see Sammy here is not pure human or demon. Which makes him a freak and shunned even by his own kind. Doomed to be alone, unloved and not accepted by anyone for who he is.

The Angels see Sam as an abomination and hunters if they knew his freak status would see him as a monster to be hunted.

Hell, they already have hunted you haven't they and let me see who else felt that way? Oh yes, wasn't it your own brother Sammy, who called you a monster and told you_ If he didn't know you he'd hunt you_."

"Ironic now don't you think with Dean's situation."

o0o

"Lots of perks being a demon," Dean said matter-of-factly placing an arm purposely now around Sam's shoulder, knowing the physical contact would only add to his suffering.

"You know what the biggest plus in all of this is Sammy?" Dean asked than answered himself. "It's not having you around anymore to keep me from doing things like having fun, something you were never capable of."

Dean dropped the arm from Sam's shoulder and began to slowly circle around him, smirking at the pain he'd inflicted most of it found in Sam's eyes.

"Can't begin to tell you how good it feels to be free of you. To be free from the burden of worrying about you and protecting your sorry ass and do you want to know why Sammy?"

Dean stopped in front of Sam, took a step closer and with an icy cold stare said, "Because I feel _nothing_ for you."

Sam bolted and before Dean could make a move to stop him, someone stopped Dean.

"Enough! Let him go," A gentlemanly voice ordered.

"What the hell?" An angry Dean, spun around black eyes on display. Then calmed down seeing who had grabbed him. "I should've known."

"I can't help it. I have a soft spot for Moose."

"Don't ever interrupt my fun again Crowley," Dean warned.

"Don't ever threaten me Sonny!"

"Then don't give me reason to," Dean shot back.

"You had your jollies. Maybe too much?" Crowley hinted.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means what it means squirrel."


	3. Unthinkable

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You Believe In Miracles?_

**Chapter III: Unthinkable**

Sam entered the bunker devastated but also aware that who he met in that bar wasn't his brother. That Dean's soul had been perverted into a demon, the result of the_ Mark of Cain_ and it was up to him to undo it. Sam knew he had his work cut out for him. He could do the ritual here in the dungeon but the difficult task would be getting Dean here and the help needed to do it.

Sam had to move quickly and make sure of every detail as he believed the longer his brother remained a demon the more of his humanity would be erased. That in time there would be little if any of _his_ Dean left and Sam wasn't about to let that happen.

There also was that something Sam felt in his gut that knew Dean even if he couldn't voice it, even at his cruelest, was screaming out for Sam to help him.

o0o

Sam couldn't remember the last time he ate, slept, or showered. So he went with getting clean and then grabbed a bowl of cereal and brought it into his bedroom feeling he had to take care of himself in order to help Dean and doing the ritual would take its toll on them both.

Sam placed the bowl on his night table and sat on the edge of the bed. He didn't turn on the television or even a light and he couldn't make himself eat a bite no matter how hard he willed himself to try.

All he could do was think about why his legs betrayed him because if he could have moved he would have run and maybe now all the things Dean said wouldn't be so hard to push out of his mind.

Lying back on the bed Sam turned over and curled up on his side, every cruel word Dean said echoing in his head. It didn't matter that these were not the words his brother would ever think, let alone say, but they tore at his heart all the same.

Sam didn't fight the tears, crying was a much-needed release but it didn't stop the pain, only the sleep he eventually found reprieved him from that.

o0o

As Sam sunk deeper into sleep, a figure emerged out of the shadows and stood by his bed.

"Your knight in shining armour has arrived."


	4. Under Pressure

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You believe In Miracles?_

o0o

**Chapter IV: Under Pressure**

Sam kept an eye on Dean but he had no luck finding anyone he trusted enough to help with getting his brother into the bunker and secured. He couldn't risk word getting out in the hunter community that Dean was a demon. It would be like putting a target on his big brother's back and with the pompous ass of a demon Dean had become he might end up doing that to himself, another reason for Sam to hurry up and cure him.

But trust worthy help was proving impossible to find. Castiel was in a weakened state without his grace and now unreachable being tended to in Heaven. Charlie also unreachable in Oz, and Garth was recovering from a shotgun wound in a hospital in Oklahoma. That was Sam's short list but he'd decided to give himself another 24 hours to search, a self-imposed deadline for when he'd handle getting Dean into the bunker on his own.

o0o

Sam sat at the top of his bed double checking the details of his plan to get Dean into the bunker. With no change in his situation after 24 hours he was left with no choice but to act alone and it was risky to say the least. But Sam felt waiting would be a bigger risk.

Sam's biggest fear ever since finding Dean alive in the bar that night was that he could just take off when ever he wanted. It was probably the reason his legs refused to move that night not wanting to let his big brother out of his sight. Afraid he could lose Dean to a hunter's blade or he'd disappear in the wind with a pack of demons before he had a chance to cure him.

It wasn't even a question anymore Sam knew he had to act and he would tomorrow. He had this one shot at getting his brother back and he would give it his all. But Sam knew there was so many things that could go wrong, unexpected things. That and how smart and cunning his brother was. He just wished somehow,somewhere, he could have found help.

o0o.

Sam awoke startled to find Crowley sitting at the bottom of his bed.

"What are you doing here?" Sam shouted angrily.

"Before you get your panties all in a bunch Moose. Hear me out."

"Why the hell should I ?" Sam yelled, out of bed now and in Crowley's face.

"Because I have your brother in the dungeon all nice and snug."

"What?" Sam speechless for a moment remembered who he was talking to. Crowley was not only the King of hell. He was also the King of liars. "Why would I ever believe anything you say Crowley? You're the reason all this crap happened to Dean and why he's a demon now."

"I honestly had no idea that would happen. I told squirrel that."

"Honesty?" Sam laughed in disbelief. "From you Crowley? Give me a break!"

"Consider this an early birthday present, along with the lingerie I'm going to get you," Crowley politely said before vanishing.

Sam wouldn't let himself believe there was any truth in what Crowley said. But all the same what harm could it do to look?


	5. The Thing You Love Most

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You believe In Miracles?_

o0o

**Chapter V: The Thing You Love Most**

Sam opened the dungeon door prepared to find the room empty. But to his astonishment he found Dean unconscious and secured in the chair exactly as Crowley said.

Struck by how peaceful Dean looked as if he were simply asleep and himself, Sam was elated to now have the chance to cure his brother and make this image a reality.

Gathering everything he needed for the ritual Sam paused to gently touch Dean's face. "I got you big brother and you're going to be fine."

o0o

With the first injection Dean came to and when he found himself restrained and aware of what was about to happen he tried to keep up his cool, calm demeanor. But soon rage took over and he directed it at Sam full force and in the most grotesquely personal way.

He began with Jessica's death, describing it in graphic detail as he grinned smugly. But when he sadistically asked if Sam got off on this, knowing what would happen to her for days and doing nothing to stop it. Sam walked out.

With Dean fastened down and not going anywhere Sam knew he didn't have to listen to that or watch his brother's face enjoy hurting him.

Sam only needed to come in every hour to inject Dean,and that's what he did while trying to ignore the vicious remarks hurled at him or the prodding to draw him into a conversation.

There was just that one time Dean got a strong reaction out of Sam, when he asked if he wanted to know how his hero big brother really felt about being stuck taking care of him as a kid and having to play Daddy.

Sam with little hesitation knocked Dean unconscious and he felt terrible about punching his brother but he had his fill and couldn't bear to hear one more hurtful word.

o0o

Sam kept with this routine and focused on what needed to be done and slowly but surely, with each dose of his blood, the cruelty and fury dissipated as Dean's humanity began to reappear.

Sam almost broke down when he heard his name spoken again with only the warmth and love _ his_ Dean could fill it with.

By day's end Dean was fully himself again.

o0o

Exhausted but thrilled to have his brother back Sam unfastened Dean and fell into the arms that reached for him. Tired and emotional Dean held Sam tight for a few moments than reluctantly pulled away, not letting go of him fully but wanting to thank Sam face to face for never giving up on him.

Then Dean tried his best to explain to Sam what he had trouble understanding himself. How he remembered everything he said or did as a demon but feeling like it happened to another person and not him.

"That's because it wasn't you Dean," Sam chimed in. "The demon, your soul was twisted into being, was exactly that another person."

Dean wrapped his arms back around Sam again after he helped him to his feet. Dean needed to know this was real, his being human again and holding his brother made it real.

"I'm sorry," Dean apologized, the immense guilt for the way he treated his little brother weighing heavy on him.

"It's okay," Sam reassured Dean. "I know it wasn't you."

Logically Sam knew it wasn't Dean, so he believed he could bury the pain by using that line of thinking.

But he was wrong.


	6. Reflection

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You believe In Miracles?_

o0o

**Chapter VI: Reflection**

From the moment Dean was cured he felt something was off about Sam's behavior. But he tossed that thought aside, considering the toll the ritual took emotionally and physically on Sam and how hard the last month had been for him.

However after the initial exhilaration of being human again and having his brother back in his life had subsided somewhat, Dean did some serious self-reflection.

He knew as a demon he had hurt Sam in ways that a lifetime of apologies wouldn't make up for.

But Dean also knew this wasn't the only time he had caused his brother pain. Instead of dealing with the fall out of Kevin's death together. He ditched Sam right after he ejected Gadreel.

He should have stayed when Sam found out he'd tricked him into being possessed by the Angel when Sam himself wasn't looking to leave. But he took off anyway and wound up being played by Crowley and ended up pushing Sam away again when he kept secret what the First blade was doing to him.

Choosing to go solo when it came to killing Abbaddon Dean believed was still the right call. She could have walked away from the fight if she got hold of Sam and used him as a bargaining chip and she knew it. But going after Metatron alone, that was the wrong call. It wasn't just his fight it was their fight. he and Sam's.

Dean meant it, with his entire being that night in the church, when he told Sam, "I can't do this without you." So why Dean questioned himself did he attempt to do these things on his own?

If he and Sam had gone after Metatron together the outcome might have been different and if he had stayed after Gadreel was ejected and worked things out with Sam, there was a good chance he wouldn't be a demon now.

o0o

Dean needed Sam in his life as a brother, as his hunting partner, and truth be told to simply breath.

He trusted Sam with his life yet Dean knew the parental instinct to protect _his_ boy was still as strong as the day he carried Sam out of their burning house. And for better or worse it was behind a lot of the decisions he made.

Sam did appreciate how he watched out for him, Dean knew that. But sometimes the annoyance and anger could be heard in Sam's voice, like a son wanting his father to treat him as an adult capable of taking care of himself.

Easier said than done Dean felt, as most parents aren't protecting their children from real monsters. That's what he and Sam do.


	7. Beneath The Surface

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You believe In Miracles?_

o0o

**Chapter VII: Beneath The Surface**

The Winchester brothers had a couple of jobs already under their belt and were finishing up a third. They had returned to hunting right away to distract from the past month and to move forward with their lives. But there was something going on with Sam that Dean couldn't figure out and that he just couldn't ignore anymore.

There was this sadness about him, that he carried everywhere but when asked would insist nothing was wrong. But Dean wasn't buying it so he and Sam were going to have a little sit down once they got back to the bunker.

o0o

After giving himself and Sam a day to rest up after the recent hunt. Dean decided it was time to push his brother a little harder for an answer other than his standard one of being fine.

They were in the Library after dinner with Sam busy organizing a section of books. When Dean grabbed hold of Sam's arm and gently led him to a nearby chair and sat him down. Pulling out the chair next to him Dean turned it so they were knee to knee and face to face. "Ready to talk little brother," Dean asked.

"About what?" Sam asked looking at Dean bewildered.

"About what ever is bothering you?"

"Nothing is bothering me Dean," Sam insisted looking annoyed. "How many times do I have to say this?"

"Sammy you got the kind of face that saids a lot."

"No, I don't!"

"Yeah you do and ever since you untwisted my soul its been saying something is wrong."

"Nothing is wrong and as I already told you..."

"Don't! You're not fine." Dean said forcefully.

"Don't you think I should make that call?" Sam questioned.

"Sam, I'm not blind. Did something else happen in the bar that night, that I don't remember or while you were curing me?"

"No everything went smoothly with the ritual."

"Smoothly is not the word I'd use to describe it Sam. I was a demon that fought you curing me and I was a nasty fucker!"

"That was to be expected and it wasn't you Dean! Then or in the bar that night and I know that."

"Then what is it?" Dean wasn't backing down.

Sam started to stand but Dean gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't leave," he pleaded.

"This is silly and a waste of time," Sam said standing up.

"No, it's not!" Dean shot back looking both hurt and pissed off. "Caring about you Sammy is never either of those!"

"I'm sorry Dean I didn't mean to... I appreciate you caring, I do. But again I'm fine. So please stop worrying."

"So that's the two-word story you're sticking with, I'm fine."

"Yep," Sam lifted his arms in frustration and headed for his room.


	8. Finding Home

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**AN:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta

**Summary:** A tag to Supernatural's Season 9 finale: _Do You believe In Miracles?_

o0o

**Chapter VIII: Finding Home**

Dean put his head down in frustration, not sure if he should go after Sam or let things be for a while.

"You're certainly not the brightest lightbulb in the pack," Crowley appeared where Sam had just been sitting.

"Not now Crowley! I appreciate what you did but get the fuck out!"

"Then you wouldn't want to know what I saw here before you became a real squirrel again?"

"Not unless it can help me figure out whats going on with Sam."

"Not even a bulb in the pack you're more of a night-light."

"So you can help?"

"Yes, you dimwit!"

"Then talk!" Dean ordered.

"Remember that night when Sam first found you in the bar, and you went all demonic on him?"

"How could I forget? I'd do anything to take back those things I said. But Sam knows that wasn't me talking."

"Of course he knows," Crowley agreed. "But sometimes that doesn't matter."

"What the hell are you talking about? Of course it matters!"

"I'm downgrading you squirrel from night-light to one of those tiny Christmas lights. Maybe a blue one, my favorite color."

"Shut up and explain Crowley! What did you see and why the hell were you lurking in here at night?"

"My humanity made me do it," Crowley cooed."

Dean laughed out loud, "Yeah right!"

"Believe it or not I was concerned about moose. You had just ripped out the poor boy's heart and stomped all over it. So I popped in to check on him."

Crowley's words stung but using his anger Dean moved past it. "You were in my brother's room?"

"I told you...,"

"You are seriously pissing me off, and creeping me out too. Stay out of my brother's room and stay away from him, do you hear me!"

"Shall I just go then?"

"No. Tell me what you saw, then go."

"Fine. I saw a sad moose sitting alone in the dark, not able to eat or do anything other than cry himself to sleep."

Dean felt like he'd been kicked in the gut, the wind knocked right out of him. Sammy was his heart and the way he treated him as a demon was already killing him but this image was too much to bear.

"Have you put two and two together yet?" Crowley asked.

"Yes," Dean shut his eyes in pained realization. "It doesn't matter that Sam knows it wasn't me saying those things. Knowing it doesn't take away the pain he feels or the image of it being my face that enjoyed hurting him."

"The heart feels what it feels squirrel. Sometimes it can't tell the difference," Crowley said before vanishing.

o0o

Finding Sam's door ajar Dean poked his head in spotting his brother, head down sitting on the edge of the bed. "Sammy, can we talk? You don't have to say a word if you don't want, just listen okay?"

"Okay," Sam agreed.

Dean stepped in and moved over to squat down in front of Sam.

"This whole mess is my fault Sammy. I ditched you right after you shoved out Gadreel, shut you out with what the First blade was doing to me and went after Metatron alone. I tried to handle everything on my own when it should have been you and me together dealing with them, including Kevin's death."

"But I also know that is not what's bothering you?"

Dean put his hands on top of his brothers causing Sam to look up and directly into his eyes. Exactly what Dean wanted.

"You know all those terrible things I said as a demon wasn't me?"

Sam nodded he did.

"But what I understand now, is you knowing that didn't take away the pain the demon version of me caused you."

Sam teary eyed lowered his head to avert his brother's gaze. "I thought it would just go away."

Dean had his answer and it hurt.

"I'm sorry Sammy," Dean spoke gently. "That I didn't see what was right in front of me. Worse still it was Crowley of all people who clued me in."

Sam snorted a laugh from under the hair that had fallen in his face, something about his brother being schooled by the king of hell he found funny.

"So you think that's funny?" Dean stood up and sat on the bed next to his brother.

"Yes," Sam laughed.

"Come here," Dean pulled Sam into his arms. "I love you Sammy, know that always."

Sam hugged Dean tight and tighter still making Dean smile. But soon Dean found himself in discomfort with his brother's tightening grip.

"Sammy, can't breath."

"Sorry," Sam said loosening his grip quickly and pulling out of the embrace.

I thought you might what to...," Dean floundered awkwardly with his question, averting eye contact with Sam. "You know say..."

"What?" Sam asked smiling at how uncomfortable this made Dean yet not missing the need after everything he'd been through.

"That I love you too." Sam said.

"Yeah." Dean admitted almost in a whisper.

"I do Dean. I was just _showing_ you how much."

"_Oh_" Dean smiled realizing what his brother meant. "Show me again Sammy."

Sam smiled and obliged, this time making sure not to cut off his brother's air supply. They both were hurting but he knew they'd be okay in time. Dean was back to himself again and they were together and that made everything possible.


End file.
